Change

It's been a few months since I've written and in that time, I've noticed a pattern in my writing.  Although I began this project to document my thoughts for the girls, I found it took a drastic plunge into a depressing reactionary journal where I recounted moments of horror and my most rock-bottom emotions.  I'm not embarrassed in the least, as the people who know me best would undeniably admit that I am an open book.  However, I'm challenged to take back some lost time and do what I intended to do all along.  I'm starting fresh, in a sense.  Let's talk about good things, funny things, thoughtful things.  Heck, let me throw in some boring moments lest my daughters chalk me up to be a drama queen one day. 

So I've decided that Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday. Hands down. I used to love Christmas because of its message of selflessness and its excuse to gather 'round the people we love but we've somehow muddled that up and now it has become very self serving.  I just finished my "Christmas" shopping and it caused me literal anxiety and stress trying to find something thoughtful for everyone.  At one point in the process, I decided that everyone was getting an Anne Klein wristlet and so I bought 8 of them in an assortment of colors for easy gifting. (If you get a Anne Klein wristlet from me this year, know that I thought it was just perfect for you). ;)  

Yes, Thanksgiving is my #1 holiday.  What's there not to like?  Family flies in from out of town.  Awesome.  Throw the pigskin around a bit.  Fun.  Clean the house for the first time since last spring. Practical.  Make the most fattiest comfort foods you can think of.  Fantastic.  Eat it for the next three days.  Incredible.

Yet, the best part, the most insanely wonderful aspect of Thanksgiving is that we get bold in reminding each other that we've got it good, really, really good.  It's the only time we're allowed to give someone an incredulous look when they complain that they don't have enough clothes or shoes or knick knacks.  It's probably one of the few times they freely look inward instead of choosing to feel offended.  I try to give as many looks as I can during this time because it is a once in a year opportunity to cut the B.S. and tell people to suck it up and look at the bright side. I also love Thanksgiving because its conclusion ushers in a new year along with a fresh resolve to start again.

I've done some soul searching this November.  I demanded my brain to shut up with its incessant whining and complaining and negativity.  I gave myself a good mental beating and it left me in a really healthy place.  Here are some things I am genuinely thankful for.

A and G
These girls are growing up too fast.  When they were still in diapers, I willed them (with every mental fiber in my brain) to grow up quickly and rid me of their enormous-not cute anymore-poop and my sleepless nights.  Now they deposit their waste in the toilet and sleep (relatively) well.  Yet, the other day, when they ran into my arms fighting and clawing to see who would win the prized seat of my lap I sat and closed my eyes and breathed in their sweaty, stinky, sweet baby smells and wished with all my might that time would stand still.   Because time moves forward at an unforgiving speed and whether or not you take advantage of it, the second will be gone.

I often think about my pre-mama days and I realize just how much I've grown.  I mean I'm not the epitome of mature, that's for sure.  I still prefer dessert over "real" food and I get seriously side tracked by gossip magazines when I'm at Barnes.  But, dang, these girls did a number on my faith, my heart, my character...The moment A & G entered my life with their chaos and their needy cries, they instantly put my life in order.  They have grounded me with their love and their dependence.

Cheesecake
 Let's be real.  Being thankful for cheesecake is legit.  This is the fuel champions thrive off of.  I know this because I'm a champion and this is what I eat. I'm thankful that it's prevalent in this country and I'm even more thankful that I can afford a $10 slice from Cheesecake Factory once in a while.  Let's be even more real.  I just made cheesecake #2 on my thankful list even above family and friends.  Word.

My family
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my mom.  Literally, I wouldn't be here writing this.  I'd probably be doing a load of laundry or planning the dinner menu for the next week.  My parents made a sacrifice the day they decided to immigrate to the United States 34 years ago to give me and my brother a better chance at life.  They continue to show that sacrificial love every day (at least for the next 3 years) by helping to run this household in the big and small ways. Yes, I'm spoiled.  I will allow you to think this about me.

My brother thinks he is M.I.A. because he lives in another state and only gets to see us a few times a year.  He must not know that he is a part of our everyday routine, in our daily thoughts and prayers and conversations.  When he's here, he's in constant "on" mode.  He has to be because are all vying for his time.  We want his words, his affirmations, and his attention .  He shows love in the most extravagant ways like trips to Hawaii and iPad 4's.  But without a single good deed, we'd still fight to be his favorite.

Friends
I've got all kinds. I guess you could call me eclectic in my choice of friends.  Truthfully, I'm drawn to the weird ones, the ones that everyone else thinks is "too this" or "too that."  I like the folk who are so honest it gets them in trouble and the ones who freely drop "I love you's" all over the place. I don't even mind the socially awkward ones because, truthfully, we're all weird.  Some are just better at hiding it than others.  So, if you're my friend, you're probably strange or awkward or maybe even both.  Hey, you gotta hear it from someone.  But, I'm super indebted to you for seeing me through some pretty ugly hiccups along the way.

Change
Guys, if there's one thing you must know, it's this.  You CAN change.  I am so grateful for the power of change and I've decided to exercise it this year a little at a time.

I want to be more active so I walked 40 minutes on my treadmill a few weeks ago.  I plan on doing that again...someday. I think I'm off to a good start.

I've decided to continue writing because although it drains me at a fantastic speed, it's good for my heart.

I'm determined to spend more time with the kids.  A few nights ago, I made a tent out of a blanket.  It took me 30 seconds but Ava praised me for a whole hour after that calling me the best mom ever.

I'm learning to love myself despite the blatant flaws that I see.  And more importantly, I'm learning to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, especially with Ava.

Finally, I'm choosing to let go.  I'm choosing to let go of fear and believe that Ava will be around for a lifetime.  I'm choosing to let go of my perfectionistic tendencies and give myself a break.  Often.  My life is proof that things don't have to be perfect to be good.  And I'm choosing to let go of whatever excuses I have that get in the way of living life to the fullest.

I'm choosing to change.  Just. Like. That.