He told me that I was the unsung hero...that I saved her life again.  But I felt like a failure.  You would think that by now, we'd have gotten it right.  Instead we subject her body to more drugs than a young child should ever know and pain that can't be kissed away.  

We are shipwrecked.

Sunday was filled with lots of eating things on the go.  A had two hamburger patties from McDonald's, gummy bears from the mall, baked treats from a friend. It could have been anything.  We don't know.  Everything she ate, she's had before and we took every precaution we normally do.  The only thing we can think of is that she's just becoming more sensitive to her allergens.

After a day filled with lots of her favorite things, she ended the night in the hospital.  By 8:10 that night, she developed a cough that was concerning.  She didn't seem bothered by it but I kept asking her if she was all right.  A said she was fine and continued to eat dinner while playing with her Ipad.  By 8:15 I knew something was wrong because her coughing had turned to wheezing and her face was turning red.  By 8:20, I had given her Benedryl which she promptly threw up along with thick mucus.  By 8:25, she was turning purple and saying she couldn't breathe.  By 8:30, the epi was administered and immediately her symptoms began to clear up.  At 8:33, we called 911 and the paramedics were on the way.  When we got to the hospital, A's allergic reaction rebounded and she was given a second dose of epi and an IV was put in to begin the treatments.  When she found out she needed a second epi and the IV, she gave us the saddest, most hopeless whimper as if to tell us she's been through enough.

After everything was done, with tears, she wailed out a "thank you" to the nurses.  Why my child has to thank someone through her suffering, I'll never ever understand.

There are a hundred things vying for my attention and yet I just want to sit and stare.  I feel numb.  I wish there was an emotion: anger, disappointment, sadness, anything...But, nope, there's nothing.  Am I getting used to it all?  God, please not that.

I will fight to the bitter end and we'll get through whatever is in front of us.  And tomorrow I'll get up and the sun will shine and my heart will melt.  But, tonight....tonight, there is no happily ever after.  I'm sorry for that.

Update:
I take that back.  I do feel something.  I'm scared.  The really heavy kind of fear where it's hard to breathe.  But I'm working through it because I know, somewhere deep down in my memories, there is buried a precious truth-that perfect love casts out fear.  God, begging for that peace tonight...