But no warnings, advice, tips, etc, can prepare you for how guilty you will feel when the second child is born. It's not immediate, but more like a gradual slip into a hot scalding tub of guilt. Because the inequality between the two is great and it's unfair; no one will argue that. There are the obvious reasons why we feel bad for baby #2: less pictures, hand me downs, and lack of excitement at all the baby's "firsts." But there's actually a lot more that set kid #1 and kid #2 apart.
Here's my list:
A
Has a professional photo album with photos from birth through the present bound up in a hardcover book.
G
Has a photo album made of flimsy stuff that I scored off of groupon for really cheap. Oh, and Ava is in most of her pictures.
A
Has at least one new item of clothing/shoes/accessory every month.
G
The last time she got something new was when...I don't remember.
A
Had too many Christmas presents to count.
G
I could count the gifts she got on my two hands...but I only need one hand. Actually, one finger will do.
A
Still gets one of us to sleep with her at night.
G
Sleeps in her own room and in her own crib with loneliness as her only friend.
A
Gets fed 3 meals and several snacks a day.
G
Have to remind everyone (including myself) that she eats meals now. Her need for survival has caused her to adapt to the situation by learning to say "MAMA!!!!" every time she sees food.
A
Has many many pictures taken with my really really nice camera.
G
Most of the scant pictures that were taken of her were shot with the camera on my phone.
A
We read to her every night.
G
Not so much. (This has to do with her absolute disinterest in books. But that could be due to the fact that we didn't really start reading to her until last month.).
A
Has a journal that I began writing in before her birth and every few weeks since then.
G
Has a journal that I began writing in when she turned 8 months. I meant to write some retroactive entries with fake dates but that plan didn't seem feasible after I accidentally wrote down the actual date of my first entry. I thought it would look fishy if either I 1)scratched out the real date to put a fake date--one that was closer to day of her birth or 2) the entries following that first entry had (fake) dates that were before the date of the first entry. This is getting confusing. See, another reason not to lie. Lying can get messy.
So the question remains...Do we love the second one less?
God knows this is not the case. I mentioned in a previous post that my heart used to be small...only big enough for one person - me. Then M came along and my heart grew and I thought that it would burst because it was so full. Naivety.
When I got pregnant with A, M, and I would talk about how important it was for couples to stay strong and continue loving each other and putting each other first when this tiny "game changing" creature came along. Because we heard one too many stories about how children took over the lives of innocent unsuspecting couples and we saw way too many zombie eyed parents having conversations solely about what their kids ate, how many times they went to the potty, and how many naps they took and for how long those naps lasted.
We'd say naive things like, "If I had to choose between the baby and you, I'd choose you" to a myriad of what-if situations.
"If the doctor said I had to choose between you or the baby in a life-death labor situation, I'd choose you because we could always have more babies but you are irreplaceable."
"If the family was drowning, and I had to choose between you, the children, or the dog, I would save you first." (I always threw in the dog as a way of softening the blow to the fact that the children were second because, hey, at least they were going to be saved before the dog! No offense to dog lovers.
We asked arbitrary "test" questions that young couples ask to prove their love to one another and we passed with flying colors.
But, we obviously didn't KNOW love until the baby came along because the answers now would almost unequivocally be "SAVE THE CHILD!" It's not because we love each other less, but because we love our kids more. No, just kidding. That's not really what it is, even though it might seem like it.
It's actually an inexplicable thing. Something just happens when you become a parent. That child is a part of you and nothing can even compare. And although it might seem that spouses take second seat, kids can actually GROW the love between husband and wife...most of the time. You know that heart bursting love I described between M and I during our pre-parent years? It's incomparable to the love we have now, for each other and for our kids.
Lots of things grow when you have a child. Bellies grow - obviously for moms but also for the dads who gain "sympathy" pounds. Expenses grow because diapers don't grow on trees. Cars grow because once you realize that the car seat won't fit inside the 2 door coupe, the subsequent cars get much larger while the cool factor shrinks considerably. The mess around the house grows. Even mold grows because you're just too busy to clean. But the most amazing thing of all is that LOVE grows. It grows and grows and grows. The heart that was once only big enough for one person grows SO pregnant with love but instead of popping it actually stretches and makes room for as many as it needs to.
So, back to the original question. Do we love the second child less?
Absolutely not.
Does it seem like the above statement is a lie?
Absolutely. So let me explain what I think is the reason behind the "baby #2 blues."
The second baby gets jipped. Always. I won't minimize the pain of all the second born children out there (me included). But it's not because we are loved less. It's because parents are human. We run on our own strength, our own intentions, our own motivations. There is little strength left when you have two kids to feed, clothe, bathe, play with, yell at...I mean lovingly rebuke, read to, yadda, yadda. We are just plain tired. The bags under my eyes aren't just from the smeared make-up. It's actually semi-permanent war wounds from battling out long sleepless nights of diaper changes, night feeds, and self induced insomnia from wanting to have some down time after the kids go to sleep.
Our intentions are short lived because...well, just because they are. I intended to buy a new battery charger so that I could take pictures of G with something better than the camera on my smart phone. I intended to take videos of her that were not all choppy from using, again, my phone. I intended to write in her journal more than the 3 entries I have so far. I intended to look through the 12-18 month clothes bins so that I could replace her holey, too short, too tight clothes with ones that actually fit. (This is sort of on her though because, really, she's only 10 months old. Someone please tell me why she can't fit into anything smaller than a 12 month outfit. What is going on, G. Why are you in the 95th percentile of a standard used to measure CAUCASIAN babies?!)
Anyway, the point is, no matter how badly you want to carry out some of your intentions, sometimes they just fizzle out.
We are motivated to treat the second child as well as, or even better than, the first knowing that it's just not right that they get the hand-me-downs in life. But it's like training for a race, we might do really well for a day/week/month and then we lose the motivation. Is it because we don't love the sport anymore? No, it's because we're lazy and the couch looks more comfortable than the pavement.
So, all you second children out there, don't worry, you are loved! It's just that your parents are lazy bums. Get rid of all the baggage that comes with being a second child and go conquer the world! Who knows, maybe when you become a parent you'll be able to treat your second child the right way...Or maybe you'll just end up like the rest of us.
(Despite all the examples I gave above, G, you are an exception to the second child syndrome. I'm not just saying this because I am writing this blog for you and I don't you to be traumatized, but because you have one loud set of vocals and you always make sure your voice is heard. I love that about you. Keep roaring away and fight hard for the attention that rightfully belongs to you. God knows you've got some stiff competition in the form of your sister!)
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